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Self Love and a Couple Other Thoughts:

Self Love.

What exactly is it? What does it look like? 

For a long time I believed that self love was a destination.... you know, drive through the mountains of insecurity and anguish and VOILA you've arrived. It's safe to say, that that idea is beyond false. 

Self love is not a level you can reach. Like any other type of love, it is has to be continuous. It has to be poured into. It has to constantly be replenished and nourished. 

 

I had this realization after reaching an understanding about my "love" life. That understanding is as follows: I cannot accept or embrace someone else's love until I am at a place of peace and acceptance of myself. In order for me to accept the love I deserve, the one God will ordain for me, I have to work on my own love and my own spirituality first. 

You cannot pour from an empty cup.

You cannot expect an ocean's wave from a stream.  

I can be honest and say that this is a truth I have pulled out all stops to avoid understanding. I can be honest and say that I have been untruthful in believing that I deserve anyone else's love but God's. 

The more this truth became clear to me, the more difficulty I had letting go of people.  Selfish, right? Me consuming the time, energy, and attention of people I knew I'd share no future with. 

In understanding that love cannot occur when I do not nurture myself, I came to another realization about myself. It's something I am not ashamed to admit. 

My lack of romantic relationship experience in combination with my attachment to physical and sexual touch has tarnished my acceptance of love, or the possibility of it. When things aren't as simple as a hug or kiss, I sprint away. 

As one may figure, this has created an obvious void. Feelings are unavoidable, plain and simple. I've felt like there was something missing for a long time now.

A part of me believed that I needed another person to fill the void, but that is incorrect. It's self love. It's a love of God. 

It's holistically loving myself, flaws and all, and standing strong in faith. I will continue to feel a void, feel false until this is accomplished. As I said earlier, it's not a one-stop destination. This is something I will have to work on, forever. Through this should come a strengthened sense of faith, self, and a natural patience for the forthcoming of someone else's love.

This will not be an easy journey. I understand this and still have every intention of embarking on it. I think that God's timing is beyond intentional. This acceptance, this realization, this understanding all comes as a chapter in my life closes. Sophomore year of college has been a doozy. Summer will be transformative. I wholeheartedly believe that and cannot wait. 

In plain terms, I want this summer to be a physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally transformative experience. I want to fall deeply in love with myself. I want to become the best version of myself unrestricted. I want to become a beacon of light for others. I want people to look at me and see love illuminating. 

When the time comes for someone to enter my life, all I can ask for is my love to be visible, for my love to be authentic and truthful.