42/365

All this good, I don't feel bad for it.

You know those moments when you realize that you dig yourself flaws and all? 

Yeah, those are the absolute best. 

At 20 years old and a sophomore in college, I realize that I'm far too hard on myself.

Sure, I could definitely lose 5-10-100 pounds but that does not mean that I should dislike myself. I think my issue body-wise is that I tend to ignore things rather than confronting them head on. I distract myself from what's staring me in the face. Possibly that is the reasoning behind my deep desire for always having a fresh hair cut. Work with me now, I know that sounds crazy....... Unfortunately, when my hair isn't cut, I experience a slump. My mood and attitude sour and I can't stand to look in the mirror. I'm realizing that I use haircuts as a crutch. If my hair is cut, that roll on the side doesn't look as bad. If my hair is cut, huffing up the steps doesn't bother me. I don't know what you're thinking, but that's some flawed ass logic and coping.  I have to stop running away from becoming healthy. I can't allow myself to allow laziness to take triumph in my life. I just can't.

The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, right?

With that being said, I know that this journey can't occur with me ignoring major issues. It also can't occur with me not wanting the best for myself. It can't occur if I'm not cheering myself on. Getting healthy shouldn't be a chore. Sure, it's hard but it's not a terrible thing at all. Through this all I should be thinking of myself for the better. I can't work hard if I don't want to see myself do better. I have to be my own support. My own cheerleader. I forget that often because I'm too busy being my own critic. 

Well tonight, I had a special moment. I turned on Ella Fitzgerald and went through my clothes. In my linen treasure hunt I stumbled upon a pair of jeans that I never wear. They fit, but they're waaaaay too tight at the waist. Regardless, I pulled them on. Despite the tight waist, they fit my curves like a glove. I managed to button them and became enamored with myself. Who knew that the prettiest I'd felt in a long time would be done in a pair of jeans that would definitely rip if I tried to sit down. LOL. 

In this moment, it hit me that I don't appreciate myself enough. Of course I have my all-about me moments with Snapchat filters, but I'd never really taken the time out of my day to actually look at myself. I looked at myself a long time in those jeans. Rolls and pudge, but I was smiling. That has to happen more. I have to love what's beyond the surface and I do. It's about time that I start treating her right.